


About Death

by Leabee (sugapenicillium)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Langst, M/M, Not Really Character Death, Sorry Not Sorry, Suicide Notes, also the klance comes later, plz don't be scared off by the mcd, the angst doesn't really last long tbh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-19
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2018-12-13 23:41:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11770908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugapenicillium/pseuds/Leabee
Summary: REMINDER: This fic displays suicide/depression.This is based on a web comic "About Death" on Webtoon by Sini and Hyeono, I cried reading a few chapters tbh.ANYWAYS: A certain paladin is really not okay.





	1. The Ultimate

Lance clutched his baseball tee as he coughed violently, head in between his knees as he sat in a blank space with nothing but his thoughts.

"W-where am I?" Lance thought out loud, running his fingers through his hair. 

"The Unknown World." A tall man in a leather jacket and beanie stood in front of him, lighting a cigarette.

"Are you God?" Lance looked at the man quizzically and went into another fit of violent coughing. God smoked patiently as he waited for Lance to stop.

"I am the Ultimate. Your god, the sun, and the heaven.”

"Am I- am I dead?"

"Nearly, not quite." God placed his hand in his pocket and pulled out a revolver and outstretched his hand. "Hand me the bullets in your pocket."

Lance looked at God with wide eyes but did what he was told to do. He reached into his jacket pocket and grabbed a handful of bullets, each one with a number inscribed on the casing. He gave them to God.

"Wha-what are these for? What are these numbers?” He remembered seeing the numbers 15, 17, 18, and 25.

God was silent until he had finished loading the gun and shot Lance point-blank. “It’s the pain you’d caused.” 

Lance sat there and took each bullet silently, he felt how each one passed through his body and left a pain that was not only physical but emotional. God shot all bullets but one; he led Lance to a lush lavender field and vanished. 

Lance sat in the field and looked at the lavender. The scent was strong but bearable. The colour was vibrant. A gentle breeze blew and everything was calm. He sat and thought about how he got to that point. How he got to God and the field.

To be completly honest, Lance never had the confidence that everyone deserves. He grew up the youngest in a large family so he had to prove himself to be taken seriously. He always had a love for space and knew that he wanted to be a pilot one day. He spent most of his free time studying space and space crafts so he could excel at the Garrison. However, Lance fell into a deep depression a week before he was set to leave for the Garrison. He made a few friends which helped him a little bit but he was still unhappy. He would sleep instead of study and started to give up on his dream. He was far from being the best pilot. Being a part of Voltron gave him something to be a part of and gave him a reason to live. It would have been selfish of him to take away his life while the fate of the universe was depending on him and his team mates. When Shiro disappeared and Keith became leader, Lance accepted it. Red accepted Lance as her new paladin and Blue accepted Allura. Of course everyone missed Shiro and wished he would come back, but Lance was at ease feeling as though he was still needed. Lance was still a part of Voltron and wasn't unhappy. Lance remained this way until the day they found Shiro. Shiro, their original leader, had returned. Allura had proven herself to be a superior paladin. Keith would likely go back to Red as Shiro regained control of the Black Lion. Where did this leave Lance? There were six paladins and five lions. Lance was no longer an asset to Voltron. Allura could easily continue to to pilot the Blue Lion. Lance began to fall back into his depression. He began spending all time that he could sulking in his bedroom or crying in the shower. He would only come out when needed and was quiet when doing so. He was still connected to Blue, he heard her whispering reassurances to him but he found everything she said hard to believe.


	2. The Note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY THAT I MADE ALLURA SOUND SO HORRIBLE!!! The note is based on a letter I wrote myself. In the letter, I was complaining about my mother and since Allura is space mom, I kinda added that bit of my letter. Rip sorry about that.

Pidge was running around the castle. She hadn’t seen Lance all day and it started to worry her. No one else seemed to notice. Lance had been acting weird recently, she was a little worried but knew that Lance was tough. Pidge entered the Blue Lion’s hangar and noticed a piece of paper attached to Blue. She slowly walked over to the giant mechanical lion and grabbed the piece of paper. Pidge read the first ten words and her heart immediately sunk. A lump began to form in her throat, chills ran down her spine. 

 

Hey guys. I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I wish it didn’t end like this. I just can't go on like this anymore. I'll try to give you some sort of explanation, it's all over the place and makes no sense but nothing makes sense right now. I know it won't change anything but maybe it will help. 

I depend too much on the energy I get from coffee. I forget to eat and if I do eat, its just junk food. I feel horrible. I feel stupid. I feel like I can't do anything. I hate everything about myself. I can’t focus on anything. I try so hard to pay attention but I just can’t. I genuinely don’t believe anyone actually likes me. I crave attention but I’m afraid of it. People ask me more than ever if I’m sad. Apparently, I look sad. Why do I look sad? Why can't I be like Hunk and look happy? Why can't I look friendly? I think I like someone, but they can’t possibly like me. It’s pathetic, really. I can’t believe that anyone would like me. I refuse to tell anyone how much I truly hate myself. I hate myself. I’ve said that so many times. I’ve said it _too_ many times. I'll smile and laugh along but the only thoughts I have are “how fucking stupid do I look?” “who here actually likes me?” “everyone is stuck with me.” I wish I could disappear. I don’t want to be a burden on anyone. I feel worthless. What do I contribute? Nothing. I’m a subpar pilot, nowhere near Keith’s level. I’m not much of a ‘sharpshooter’. I’m not smart like Pidge. I don’t have Allura’s ‘cool’. Shiro is just perfect all around. Hunk is too good for me, I don’t deserve a best friend like him. Coran is like my tio, I don’t deserve him either. Training is just hours upon hours of me failing and bravado.I feel as if no one wants me here. Correction: I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be here in space. I don’t want to be on Earth. I don’t want to be anywhere. I want to disappear. I don’t want to die. I’m afraid of death. But I’m also afraid of life. I’m afraid of myself. 

Suicide. Ultimate control. Freeing yourself from this eternal Hell. I’m so fucking scared. I just want to scream and cry. But I can’t. Pathetic, I know. I don’t even believe there’s anything wrong with me. I can feel happiness. But I know deep down that that happiness is just a cover. It’s a temporary feeling. I’m tired. All the time. I’m tired. I’m never not tired. I want to take a nap because I’m so exhausted. Allura says I’m lazy. She calls me lazy, immature, selfish. I hate it. I couldn’t possibly tell her. She works hard, yes. But she’s also self-centred. She is so self-centred. She’s ‘never wrong’. Like Hell she is. Her cockiness hurts me. Her pride annoys me and hurts me. She hurts me. She calls me all these things and I start to believe them. I AM selfish. I AM lazy. I’m so fucking immature. I’m useless. There’s no reason for me to be alive. Why was I even born? I want to be loved, I want to love. But no one loves me nor do I love someone. I'm annoying. I’m worthless. I want to disappear. I want the courage to prove that what I’m feeling is real. That I feel worthless. 

I must be sadistic. I want people to feel like they could have stopped this. If only they had noticed. If only they had seen me. If only someone had heard my silent cry, maybe I wouldn’t be in this situation. Maybe I would still be smiling. Maybe that smile would be real. I’m afraid of being dropped. I’m afraid of being useless to people. I’m afraid of being hated by other people the way I hate myself. People don’t really like me. If they do, it’s a lie. They don’t really know me. I want to be someone else. Anyone else. Someone in a better state of mind. Someone who doesn’t hate themselves as much as I hate myself.

I’m so sorry. I love you guys more than you could ever know. I can’t stop these feelings. I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough.

Live for me, Lance.

 

“No. No th-this can’t be.” Tears were rolling down her face, which was now red and hot. Pidge banged on Blue. “Let me in! Let me in! I need to see Lance!” Blue opened her mouth, Pidge ran in and fell to the ground at the sight of Lance’s limp body.

 


End file.
